I feel foolish—
wasted time, breath, bother
the years my sister and I
didn't speak to understand
but to better, judge, doubt—
how she didn't invite me
to her wedding because she knew
I would say not to marry him
how I stopped listening
because there was nothing
about her way of being
I could understand
how she would agree
with my sage advice
then do whatever she wanted
how I cringed at her choices
how I just let voicemail pick up
how reaching back
into our childhood
all we shared
was a deep divide
how I envied other sisters—
the fantasy of closeness
and connection
how she was never
my sister
but a weight I carried
how she died
alone in her son's living
room and he went to work
without noticing.
For my sister, March 9, 1959-June 12, 2018
From forthcoming book by Linda McCauley Freeman, The Family Plot (Backroom Window Press, 2022)