Seeking Balance

Bless me father,
I am 45 years old
And it has been 45 days since my last period…

These are my sins:

I drink too much coffee
I cook dinners sans vegetables for the kids
I worry obsessively
I procrastinate on my bills
I curse
    sometimes in front of my children
I get mad too easy
My house is messy
I am lazy

Oh, and I have a boyfriend whom I delight in

Forgive me God


For all this, God, have you put me into early menopause?

Patience thin
Ready to pounce  
Retreating to my covers, my safe place
With laptop, and vino
whilst my children shoot and kill each other on xbox
leave dirty dishes on counter
Want to see no one
Want to break up with my lover

Self-diagnosis of PMDD in June
Premenstrual Dsyphoric Disorder
Sounds scary
Oh…It is
Gynecologist recommends Prozac
Slightly relieved, but more ashamed
to admit
I can’t handle

July now-
been on this shit for a month
Still no period
And now my hair is falling out
WTF?

Going off the drug

Need my hair- more than I need my sanity
Or at least as much

If I am going to go down, I want to look good on the way

Remember this, friends, when you check me into the psych ward

Remember to outfit me sharply on the day of my admittance

No matter what, it is always important to look good
Mom (Avon Lady from the big hair eighties) would back me up on this

Seriously – calling on woman of infinite wisdom

What would you choose?
Would you give up your hair to be less irritable?
I am guessing that I do not have a single friend who would say yes


What is a fair compromise?

Would you joyfully gain 25 pounds to be a better human being?  
I am way to vain for that
I forgot, God, to confess this  Vanity, surely a grave sin


Would you give up your money for inner peace?
Oh Greed- more ungodliness

Finding a balance between pleasure and pain
Maybe this is why I have the PMDD


Half the month… euphoria
Jokes for my students
Peaceful energy in my chakras
Hugs for my boys
Compassion for myself
Adoration for my boyfriend
Create elaborate plans
Check off tasks on my to-do list
Tackle projects
Sing sweet soulful songs


Ovulation- like an ax, strikes
PMDD is back
I drive too fast
Sleep restlessly on couch
Eat chips for dinner
Hold tension in my neck
Hold grudges
Relive old heart breaks

Feel pain too intensely- mine and my children’s
Grind teeth in my sleep
Yell at the kids
Flip my oldest son the middle finger behind his back
I’m sorry God- I know you can see this.  

So … this – this is the balance I am seeking?
Would really prefer less extremes

Especially now
Unfair I say
45 days no period. This is crap
45 days and still waiting

Started the second half of my life on Saturday
45 years old
Not waiting

Ready

Ready to balance out the second half with the first
Sins and all

Bless me father, I will do my best

Oh and please Lord,
                   
                       let me keep my hair.
Lilacs Lord
Poem - Week of October 30
 

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